Numb...

{source}

Numb...
That's the only feeling I have really felt since Thanksgiving...

Lets rewind to a few days before Thanksgiving...
Earlier that week my Dad developed a type of fungal infection in his mouth from the medication he was taking to lower his white blood cells.  It was so bad with blisters that it hurt him even to swallow water so of course he couldn't even eat.  The doctors prescribed him a mouth swish to try to calm down the pain.  This helped a little bit but it was still really painful to him.  He then developed a lot of phlegm in the back of his throat.  *sorry if this is TMI*  There was soo much phlegm that every time he would take a breath I could hear it rattle in throat.  I kept doing whatever I could to try to make him spit it out but with the sores in his throat from the infection it make it difficult.  It also seemed like he was getting fed up and irritated with the situation he would try to sleep it off.

The morning before Thanksgiving I felt something was just wrong and before I went to work I told my Mom she should just take him to the emergency room.  She told me he had to be at the doctors anyways at 8am for a blood test so I knew at least they would look at him then.

Sure enough when they got there for the blood test the nurses said he needed to go straight to the ER.  Of course on this day there was a huge nor'easter coming with 12" of snow likely.... Awesome...

I got to leave work early at around noon and headed to the hospital.  They had told us that he needed to be transported down to the different hospital about an hour away by ambulance..This was because they had better antibiotics there and he could have pneumonia again because they had seen something in his lungs..By this time there was already about 3" of snow on the roads and it was very slippery. We were worried about the ambulance making it there safely with my Dad.  They had told us it would be safer if we just went to see him in the morning since the storm was going to be over by then.  My Dad was in rough shape and very weak, still spiting up as much phlegm as he could, and he could hardly talk...  As he got wheeled away we promised him we would come see him tomorrow and he whispered 'I love you'....

We went home that night feeling worried and lost since we couldn't go to the other hospital with him.  My mom called later that night to check on him and they said he was very sick and they ended up intubating him with a breathing tube (for the 3rd time this year) because it was difficult for him to take breaths..  We were not very happy about this decision because every time they do that it doesn't seem like it is necessary... While he has the tube down his throat he is on the medication Propofol which completely sedates him.

The next morning was Thanksgiving and I had to go into work at the restaurant because there was so many reservations.  I wasn't too worried because I would get out around 3 and then I would drive down to the hospital to see my Dad.  My Sister and Mom were going to go down early and text me how he was doing.  When they got there they had texted me that things didn't look so good...  I kept telling myself that he has been in this situation before and it will be fine like every other time...I just got done serving my first table when the power of the restaurant went out.....right after that my sister called me and said that my Dad was going into cardiac arrest and was in septic shock.  I panicked and didn't know what to do because I was at work and was supposed to help out with the many reservations.  Thankfully it wasn't as busy as we thought it was and I told my boss what had happened.  He told me I could leave and I rushed to the hospital.

After about 45 mins of speeding and crying I finally made it and made my way up to the ICU where my Dad was. I ran in the doors as my sister greeted me and just shook her head and was crying.  I knew then he didn't make it...

My keys fell from my hands as I hugged my Mom and Sister..

At that moment I felt so empty..All I could do was cry...  I felt soo sad that my poor Dad had to go through all he did this past year... I felt that life was so unfair that such a harmless person had to go through what he did.  I wished that a dead beat Dad would have went through this instead of my Dad....It just wasn't fair...

After trying to clear my head a little I asked if I could go in and see him...  He was just laying there with his eyes closed and his new start of peach fuzz hair coming in.  His hands were cold from the circulation but his head was still warm...

I kissed his head and left the room... It was the last time I would ever see my Dad again..

{source}

It's so hard to describe the feeling of loosing a parent.  I feel numb.. but yet at the same time I feel like he's still here...  I don't know if it just hasn't hit me yet or what....it has been 18 days and it feels like it was just a few days ago...I know he is not suffering anymore and that he can just let go and not worry about going to doctor appointments one after another.. He doesn't have to worry about going through anymore chemo that dragged him down..He doesn't have to worry about being sick anymore... I know he is still there and I know he is watching over us..

 I am thankful that I still live with my Mom to try to help her keep busy and help her out in any way that I can.  It was also nice that my Sister got to take off a week to spend time at home too.  It all has been a super rough year...I can't say I didn't know that this was going to happen...I just didn't think so soon....

Life sucks and now we just have to learn to live a little differently and always keep remembering that our love ones are not gone...but they are still here watching over us... I will think about and miss my Dad every single day...

I love you Daddy you are my hero forever and always <3

{source}

 

"Just Keep Swimming"

Cancer Sucks!

pic

I apologize in advance; this is not going to be a happy post....

2 Days ago my Dad was admitted again to Oncology.  His cancer has returned....

I guess I will start off with a little history..

He was diagnosed back in 1998 with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.  I was honestly too young to remember what actually was going on.  I just remember visiting him in the hospital because he was sick, but since the hospital was about 2 hours away I didn’t go there often.  He received chemo twice because the lymphoma came back a few years later.  He then had a stem cell transplant and was cancer free for 14 years.

Jump forward to this past December... I remember coming down with a really bad cold that just wouldn't go away.  Soon after my mom and then dad both caught the flu too..coughing, stuffy nose, chills, common flu symptoms..  Finally, my mom and I got better but my Dads cold just kept lingering on, especially with a bad cough, chills, and fatigue...  He thought that he just needed more rest and hopefully he would get better..but it just didn't.  He grew so weak that he could hardly walk from one room to another.  I begged him to finally go to the Doctors and he did.  They took a blood sample and then told him it must just be allergies and sent him home with Allegra.  The next morning we got a call from the doctors to take him immediately to the ER because they noticed he had a very low red blood cell count and high white.  This means his body was on overload trying to fight off something.  After what it seemed like hours the ER doctor came in and said it looks like his cancer has returned.

He then got rushed down to another hospital with a cancer center 45 mins away..

It wasn't until the next morning that he called my mom from the hospital telling her the doctor said it was Leukemia (AML).  We rushed down there and they explained that it was most likely caused from the chemotherapy he’s received in the past..

How could this be?  How could curing one cancer lead to another?  It just isn't fair.

Fast forwarding a little... He received his 7 day chemo regimen and then came down with a bad case of pneumonia which landed him in the ICU for a little more than a week.  Seeing him in there with a breathing tube and on so much medicine he couldn’t even open his eyes horrified me.  At this point I was at my lowest point I have ever been in my whole life.  I remember when I would try and fall asleep at night I could feel darkness closing in around me.  I would literally wake up and feel so much pressure pushing on my head and shoulders I thought this was going to last forever…All I wanted was my Dad to come home and everything be back to normal..

After a very long 32 days we took him home…(I was at the hospital as much as I could every day except 2 days because of snow storms)

The first few nights home were very scary..he was so weak I would lay awake to make sure he was sleeping and jump up at every sound.  He had lost so much weight and was in bed for so long he couldn’t even stand to walk to the bathroom and I was afraid he might fall…

Each day got better and better…in a few weeks he was outside gardening and doing his everyday things.  Weeks went by and we were waiting to hear from Dana Farber which who would be doing the bone marrow transplant.  We learned that there were no complete matches for him but his brother was half.  We went to Boston thinking we were going to discuss and start the transplant but soon found out from a blood test the disease had returned.  This was a huge shock because he has been doing sooo good and got back to his normal active self.

Sooo now we are back to square one, looking to get this leukemia back into remission.  This round of chemo he is stronger and not sick to begin with.  We are crossing our fingers that there will be no complications and he will only be in the hospital for a week or so....

Wellll... that's that...It helps to write this out and kinda get it off my chest..Thank you whoever is reading..
For anyone who is battling cancer....Stay Strong and just keep swimming...