Do I write about this or not? It's all I can think about and I have so many emotions stirring and the feeling of a tractor trailer on my shoulders...but its not a happy subject............
Since my dad had his second round of chemo the doctor let him stay home while his counts drop and recover this time instead of staying in the hospital. This is because he wasn't as sick as he was the first round and won't need as much medical attention like he did before. He has been getting blood tests 2-3 times a week and his counts have been going up. But yesterday my mom texted me saying there was some bad news. I knew it...before she even texted me. The other day I got the feeling something wasn't right and I tried to push those feelings to the side... The doctors had found a lot of blasts in his blood..which can only mean one thing...the chemo did not work and the cancer is still there..
I hate that word......cancer......every time I hear it or say it my whole body goes numb and I cringe. Why does something so awful have to exist? And lately I feel like it is everywhere....no matter where I go that word haunts me...maybe its just because I notice it more......but it just seems like its e v e r y w h e r e.. there is even a new movie 'The fault in our stars' based from a book about cancer and a new show 'Chasing life' specifically about Leukemia. I guess it shows what people are going through but I can't handle watching them. I even hear things about cancer on the radio, on commercials on tv, I drive by and see car washes for fundraisers.... I am NOT saying theses are a bad thing and I know they are helping and making people more aware but geesh...Just when I try to think of something else... BAM there it is again..
Anyways my dad is going today to find out what they plan on doing next. It pains me to see him when he's worried or asking questions about what's going to happen...I know he's scared and I would be lying if I said I wasn't. I just want everything to go smoothly for him and get back to normal. He is a very active guy and it's hard for him to lay around all day... I know more chemo or having to go back in the hospital is going to upset him more.
It is so hard not to be upset and worried..but like my Mom reminded me the last time it came back.. I didn't get my tattoo for nothing. "Stay Strong" Every time I am upset I look at it and try to stay strong for my Dad. I don't want him to see me upset because I know that makes him feel bad...
No matter what they say what the next step is..we will get through it...My dad is a fighter and my hero.. I believe we can win this fight..
Well I can't say this was easy to write and it took me all day because I was trying to fight the tears... I am posting this because maybe there is someone else out there in the same boat as I am in... I can surely tell you it is not easy...
Here is a song that helps me get through some tough times ...Swim by Jacks Mannequin
He has also battled leukemia
That's all I got now... I guess its just waiting game to see what happens...
"Just keep swimming"
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